Me and My Dick at Hogwarts
by littlebluespacemoth
Summary: A crossover between Starkid's Me and My Dick and Harry Potter. Rated T because, well just look at the title.


**QLFC TIME AGAIN!**

 **This week we had to do crossovers. Now, I know absolutely nothing about crossovers, and I think I ended up with one of the more complicated categories. I had to do misc, which is basically everything that wasn't already being done. So I did a Starkid Production! (Not any of the A Very Potters, sorry)**

 **Now, if you've seen any Starkid Production then you know that they can be kind of crude, and I chose to do Me and My Dick for the crossover, so yeah. This is your warning. (I mean, I know I can be a little crude at times, and I think that this isn't that bad, but I thought I should give proper warning because I don't want someone to be like, 'I've never seen Me and My Dick, I should watch it' and then find themselves feeling uncomfortable because there are talking and singing genitals (well people dressed up as genitals). However, if this doesn't bug you, and you haven't seen Me and My Dick, I recommend that you do (it's on YouTube) because it's one of my favorites.)**

 **Prompts:  
** **(dialogue) "Who the bloody hell is that?"  
** **(word) honest  
** **(word) eyelash  
** **Crossover- Me and My Dick**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything Harry Potter or Starkid**

* * *

"Omg, did you hear that Joey Richter _cries_ in the choir room?" Cho Chang giggled to Lavender Brown.

"Who the bloody hell is that?" Lavender asked.

"Look, he's the dork in the blue sweatband," Cho answered, pointing to a boy in a Gryffindor uniform and blue sweat-band walked past them.

"What a loser," Lavender giggled.

Joey sighed as he walked down the hallway to transfigurations. Here he was, seventeen years old, at his last year of Hogwarts, and he'd never even seen a boobie- well a girl boobie. At least, that's what Dick said.

Once upon a time back in fourth year when Joey was just a confused, horny, fourteen year old boy, he had found a spell that allowed an image of his dick to sit on his shoulder that could talk to him and give him sex advice- and the best part was that no one else could see it.

The bad part was that Dick was always getting him into trouble, especially with Vanessa.

Sigh. Vanessa. She was a little Jewish dancer with brown eyes and wonderful boobs. Joey was head over heels for her.

"Joey!" came a voice from behind him. He jumped a little, and whirled around to see Salad Sally- a nickname that he and Dick had come up with.

"Hi, Sally," he sighed.

"Joey, I- I-"

"Spit it out, Sally."

"I want to have study under the stars with you!" Sally blurted. Joey just rolled his eyes.

"Sally," he sighed, "That makes absolutely no sense. I'm not even in your astrology class."

"Um… uh… what about that potions thing?"

"Huh?"

"There's, um, a potion assignment coming up, and maybe we could be partners?" Sally suggested.

"Did someone say potions assignment?" Parvati spoke up, dragging Vanessa along with her, "Because, we were just talking about that. Did you know that Slughorn grades people better when they work with someone from a different house? Oh, hey, Vanessa, you have a yellow tie, and Joey has a red one. Maybe you two should work together."

"Well actually-"

"That sounds wonderful," Joey interrupted Sally. Sally huffed, and rolled her eyes. Why were they ignoring the fact that she had a blue tie?

"I'll work with blondie," said Parvati, "Come on," she said grabbing Vanessa's arm, "We'll be late for potions."

Joey turned to Sally. "Sally," he said, in a dead serious voice, "Thank you so much!" He flung his arms around her and hugged her close.

The hug lasted a while, and Joey pulled away when he realized to his horror that he was getting aroused. Deciding that it was just one of those random boners, he pulled back, discreetly adjusted himself, and said, "Let's go to potions."

* * *

"Put it in!" Vanessa cried.

"Put what in?" Joey asked, confused. He was holding a ginger root in one hand and a hippogriff's claw in the other, and he didn't know which went in the cauldron next.

"Now!" Vanessa exclaimed, not answering him, "Or it's going to explode!"

So Joey did the only logical thing and dropped both of them in.

"Oh no!" Vanessa whispered as the potion turned a buttercup yellow and began to bubble. "Duck!" she exclaimed as she went under the table, but it was too late for Joey. The potion exploded and he was coated with the stuff.

Nothing seemed to happen, so he checked to make sure that Dick was alright. Dick was alright, to his relief, however that didn't meant that there wasn't something else wrong. Sitting next to Dick was a sparkly cartoon-like heart wearing a top hat.

Joey sighed and looked up to the front of the room to see Slughorn giving him a small frown.

"I'm just going to go to the nurse," Joey said, and Slughorn gave a small nod.

Joey sighed, and turned to apologize to Vanessa. "You fool!" she shrieked when she saw the damage.

"Sorry," he mumbled under his breath as he walked past her and into the hallway.

When he was out in the hallway and there was no one insight, he turned to look at his dick and his heart, who were deep in conversation on his shoulder.

"So, uh," he mumbled, catching both of their attention.

"Joey, I've got to say," his heart said, "You have a very nice dick, he and I were just discussing things. However, I don't quite think he's all that smart when it comes to love."

"Huh?"

"Well he's going on about this Vanessa girl, and she's lovely, yes, however, I don't quite think that she's the one," his heart said.

"What do you mean?" Joey asked.

"Well, she's just not right for you, Joey, I can't really explain it. You're just going to have to listen to your heart on this one."

"Well who is right for me?" Joey demanded.

"I can't tell you that," his heart replied.

"Why?"

"Because I can't."

"Please?"

"No."

Joey sighed. He had a stubborn heart.

"Fine," he said, "But I can't talk to you guys now, otherwise Madam Pomfrey will think that there's something else wrong with me."

"Joey!" said Madam Pomfrey when she saw him enter the room, "What brings you here?"

"Potions accident," he mumbled.

"I see. Has anything happened?" she asked.

"No."

"Hmm… We'll I'll run some tests, but I think that if nothing's happened yet, you're fine. I'll still take a sample anyway," she said as she let some of the potion dripping off Joey fall into a small vial. "Now, let's get you clean. _Scourgify_."

Every bit of potion was gone from Joey's body and clothing, and he sighed with relief. He was starting to feel a little sticky, and the potion had a weird smell to it, almost like rotten bananas and dog crap.

Madam Pomfrey ran the tests on him with a couple flicks of her wand. "Well," she said when she was done, "Nothing's wrong. I'll keep you overnight for observation. After all," she said, wringing her hands, "You can never be too careful. Why don't you go lie down, and I'll have some house elves bring you something to eat."

"Thank's Madam Pomfrey," Joey said, lying down in one of the beds. Before he knew it, he was asleep.

When he awoke, it was to see Sally sitting in a chair next to his bed, staring at him.

"Joey!" she exclaimed when she saw he was awake. "I'm so glad that you're okay! I brought you the things that you missed, so you don't have to worry about trying to catch up, and you know I'll always help you if you need."

"Thanks, Sally," Joey mumbled, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. "You have an eyelash on your cheek."

Sally crossed her eyes in attempt to see the eyelash, and she tried to brush it off of her face.

"No, no," Joey said, "It's right here." He reached up and brushed the eyelash off her cheek with his thumb. She had really soft skin. He stroked her cheek again, and gave a half smile, but then he realized how awkward that was, and Sally was staring at him strangely, so he pulled his hand back.

He heard his heart squealing, and could see that it was jumping up and down, waving it's arms all around.

"Joey?" Sally asked.

"Yes, Sally?"

"Can I be honest with you?" Sally asked. Joey nodded and she continued, "I love you."

"Thanks friend. I love you too."

"No, no. Joey. When I say that I love you," she took a deep breath, "What I'm trying to say is that I like you."

Joey's mouth dropped open; his heart was dancing around in confetti; his dick was trying to act uninterested in Sally.

"I know that you don't return these feelings, I just thought that you should know. I- I'll go," Sally said, standing up.

"No, Sally," Joey said sitting up and grabbing her wrist, "Wait. Don't go. There's something I need you to know."

"What is it?" Sally sighed.

"Um, it's just… uh, it's… uh, um, shit. I don't know."

"Whatever. Bye, Joey." Sally pulled her wrist away and began to walk towards the door.

"Just wait. Give me a minute. My head's confused, but I know there's something in it. Won't you stay? Please stay until I get it clear," Joey said frantically, not noticing that he was breaking into song.

"What are you trying to say?" Sally asked, still talking.

"What I'm trying to say is, I'd feel much better if you would stay here," Joey sang quietly before breaking out into song.

 _Even though I was blind before_

 _I've realized there is so much more_

 _And it was always deep down in the core of me_

 _I know it now_

He grabbed both of her hands with hers and stood up so they could be face to face.

 _And even though it seems too much to take_

 _There's a feeling I can't seem to shake_

 _I feel like, I am reading the signs_

 _'Cause I know that I'm_

 _Coming around..._

 _I thought I wanted someone_

 _Perfect as could be_

 _When what I needed was_

 _The one, who is perfect for me..._

 _Even though it used to seem so wrong_

 _I've taken you for granted far too long_

 _We're falling right into the denouement_

 _And now I'm breaking ground_

Then Sally joined in singing and they finished the song together.

 _Even though I felt it from the start_

 _It's only now we're beating with one heart_

 _I'm sure that, now is time_

 _'Cause I know that I'm..._

 _I'm coming around!_

When the song finished, Joey pulled Sally in for a kiss, and he heard a fanfare of trumpets when his lips met hers. Now, whether it was in his head, or it was his heart's doing, he wasn't sure, but he found that he didn't really care because now he had found the girl that he could give his entire self to.

* * *

 **Well that was fun!**

 **Ahahaha do you like my joke? This was rushed, I'm sad to say. School just started, and I'm swamped with homework and very stressed (I'm a junior in high school and it's going to be the most stressful year ever)**

 **Anyway, if you liked this fic, please leave a review, or if you didn't like this fic, please leave a review, in fact, if you have no opinion on this fic, leave a review because I'd like to know the reaction of my readers to my writing.**

 **Also, if I did a crossover wrong, I'm sorry, I've never read or wrote one before, I'm not positive as to what they are or if there are any rules to follow that I didn't. Either way, I'm quite proud of this.**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **hugs and butterfly kisses**

 **~littleblueweirdo**


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